My cat gives me a boner
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No I am not eating basil off your cock
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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