I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
