wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Did I show you my penis last night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
