im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
