you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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