I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
