Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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