You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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