Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
