he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
