I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
