he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
BRING THE BAGELS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
