I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
