if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
