piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
