Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
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