Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
