I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
