So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
