you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
