Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
