VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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