So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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