we're chasing vodka with high fives
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
