We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
