here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
