the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
