I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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