hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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