Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
