his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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