I can text with my tongue
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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