I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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