It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she pinky promised me she was 18
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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