I smell stomach acid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
