Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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