The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
