wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
