Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
