i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
