I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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