im having a threesome with these popsicles
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
