He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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