My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I came so hard my ears popped.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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