Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
