Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
