I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
