I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
