he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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