okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
