Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
