does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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