I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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